When I go out on a Friday night,

I’m all like,

And then when I run into my ex, I’m all like,

But then I pull myself together like,

And then we are at Jetset, smizing like,

And then we end up at the 90’s drag show like,

And then I order some of Bill’s shots and I’m all like,

And when my friends inevitably ditch me I’m all like,

But then, two hours later, somehow I end up at Augies with a team full of midgets like,

And then I end up at some illegal after-hours warehouse party like,

And I’m walking home like,

Welcome to my lifestyle.

(Source: forbrainscience)

When I finish a long, long work week,

I’m all like,

PARTY TIME!

When I get invited to the Minneapolis White Party,

I’m all like,

Bitch…let’s review.

This ain’t Miami.

This ain’t NYC,

And this sure as hell ain’t Palm Springs…

This is MINNESOTA.

Calm down with these faux-events. 

Now give me a drink. 

You pretentious small-town bitches be stressing me out.

Bloop.

(Source: realitytvgifs)

When hot guy at the cafe checks me out on Scruff,

I’m all like,

But when I realize he’s sitting right across from me, I’m getting all awkward like,

AVOIDING EYE CONTACT. NOW.

(Source: simbaga)

When someone intentionally drops their weights at the gym,

I’m all like,